MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
