Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
