My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
