it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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