Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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