HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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