This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
