The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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