My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
