Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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