I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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