Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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