Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
