omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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