Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
