I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
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She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
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All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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