Screwed.edu
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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