we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
