I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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