Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
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