Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
