she woke up with a sticky ear
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
