i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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