I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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