I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
