remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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