i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
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