I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
