i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
