he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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