We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
