Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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