I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Sorry my hands just texted you
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
