my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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