i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
