so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
