My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
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She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
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I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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