Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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