i'm signing you up for texting rehab
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
