Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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