In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
