Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
