How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
