Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
