I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
it's not cheating when I paid for it
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
