It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
