did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm like, not good at living.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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