Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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