please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
