I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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