guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
