JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
