She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
