my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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