Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
