Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
