nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
