Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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