Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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