So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
The Olympian is in my bed
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize