She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
