My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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